Diary: Jul 4 - I refuse everything

I don’t feel very good. On June 30, I wrote an review. During this process for about 2 hours, my mind started to clear. I felt so bad at first. But slowly, I started to feel better. I started to focus on one thing. I paid all my attention to writing, one so simple thing. Peacefulness comes from process. We cannot get this state only by 5 minutes, if we are in a state of chaos. I should be patient to boredom, which means doing nothing. I should accept doing nothing. I am not a donkey or a monkey that is driven to finish tasks one after one other.

If I don’t control my behavior consciously, it is very easy that I slip to the state of addicting to pursuing stimuli. It is like watching short-videos, in which we always want to find a new one that can make us feel excited instantly but also lose this feeling quickly. We are not stuck in a quagmire in one moment, we slip into it unnoticeably. For example, one day we think watching some videos for only 2 minutes is acceptable. We just relax ourselves. Everyone should learn to relax. Next day we start to watch more. Our state starts to be cut off as many small parts. Our state does not keep continuous any more. Our mind will surrender to primal instincts, e.g. pursuing dopamine, lazy to act and obsessed in porn content. These instincts are not our original ideas for coming through a day. But fragmented time makes our ability of control useless. We just refuse to leave the obsessive state because we feel good in this state.

Now I cannot control myself finishing many tasks. The reason is not the amount of work is big but I struggle to focus on one thing. I always check Wechat messages or open Rednote to browse some new contents. The process is involuntary. Why? I am floating in the air. We are actually being kidnapped by social media and short videos. I must admit this fact. Because they have hijacked our mind. They does not occupy our time forcibly, but they tempt us to spend time on them. We do this action voluntarily.

What is my strategy? I refuse everything. I only do 3 things that are on my list. If one thing is not on my task list, I refuse it directly. I don’t like switching tasks frequently. I like doing one thing for a long period. Different people have different characters. I am not the kind of guy who can focus on a bunch of tasks. I like simplicity. That can explain why I am an introvert guy.